Why Telling People What to Do Never Works [And What To Do Instead]

Follow the path of subtle persuasion.

Telling people what to do pushes them against the grain.

It was the fifth time I received the same email from a company I’ve been subscribed to.

Subject line: “Do you qualify for remote work?”

When they sent me the first email, I remember thinking, this is a good question… if I was starting my career or thinking about getting into remote work. Do I qualify? Can I do this? What industry would be best for me? These are all valid questions that I probably would’ve asked myself in the beginning.

I’ve been a content writer for about four years now, so I just ignored the email the first couple of times.

Until one day, I woke up, and there it was again, asking the same question.

This time I decided to reply.

Here’s the email I sent. Notice how, in the P.S., I gave some unsolicited advice to the person on the other side.

“Hi [name],

I noticed you’ve been sending this email a lot. I just wanted to tell you guys that I already work as a freelance writer. So, if you have a survey that’s relevant to freelance writers who are already in the business, I’d be happy to fill it out. Thanks!

All best to you,

Andrea

P.S. You probably know this, but [in your emails] maybe you should include a question or a link where people can answer whether they are working remotely. If they are, they will click on the link and opt-out of getting these types of emails. It will help with the segmentation of your list and sending more personalized content to different subscribers. “

Do I need to tell you what the response was? The person on the other side got DEFENSIVE.

She immediately told me that the email was for everyone, regardless if you’ve worked as a content writer or not. Then, I sent out another email explaining even further why THE email subject line suggested how the email wasn’t for everyone. She again replied by being defensive. Our little quarrel eventually ended with her responding:

I’ve unsubscribe you.

*Sigh.* I assume she was so pissed that she didn’t even notice the typo. While I disagree with how she handled this exchange with a potential customer, I learned a lot from it.

THE PROBLEM

Telling people what to do NEVER works.

In this case, my approach was like, hey… you don’t know how to do this; you aren’t doing it correctly. Let ME tell you what you should do instead.

It was negative and condescending.

While I had the best intentions at heart — to provide some valuable feedback — what I did instead was CRITICISING their work. Feedback is helpful. Criticism devalues the other person’s efforts and makes them see the critic as someone who doesn’t understand their work and isn’t qualified to judge it.

We take criticism personally because it feels like the other person is telling us what to do.

According to Psychology Today, telling people what to do pushes them against the grain. This tendency is known as psychological reactance.

“Reactance is usually activated when we feel that our freedom is threatened. When we perceive that someone or something is trying to influence us to do something against our will, reactance arises. Reactance motivates us to protect our own beliefs and views, and sometimes, to do the opposite of what we’re being asked to do.”

Did you catch that? Reactance motivates us to protect our own beliefs and views, which is what happened in this email exchange. Has the person on the other side been more open to what I might be suggesting and how it could improve the way they communicate with their potential customers — she might’ve not acted so defensive.

Some people have a stronger reaction to criticism because they are predisposed to resist and oppose any influence they think will restrict their autonomy.

THE SOLUTION

So what’s one to do? Follow the path of subtle persuasion. Instead of using passive-aggressive phrases like “you guys probably know this, but,” or “I just wanted to tell you what you’re doing wrong” my message should have been phrased like this:

Hey [name],

This is such a great question! Do you think I will find it helpful even if I’ve been working as a freelance writer for four years now? From the subject line, I assume this is for newbie writers? I recently started working as an email marketer, so maybe you have some jobs in this area? Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions.

All best,

Andrea.

If she would’ve replied, I would’ve pitched my email marketing services to her, again, by offering valuable feedback and explaining how the email subject line made ME resistant to completing their survey. This email would’ve been the first in building a relationship with the person on the other end because it, first, validates that they’re doing something right.

In this hypothetical email, I ask questions that give me an advantage because they show how I am unsure if the email’s subject matter will benefit me. Aside from preparing the ground for building a relationship with the person on the other end, this email is more likely to make them question if there is room for improvement.

It might inspire the following questions: Are we not being clear with this subject line? Is there anything we can do to make this email better?

To lower the resistance:

1. Stop assuming. Ask.
2. Ask lighthearted and honest questions.
3. Don’t try to explain to the other person why they should know or do something in a passive-aggressive or condescending way. Instead, offer genuine help. Tell them you’d like to handle the issue as a team.
4. Make the person feel like they have a choice; it’s up to them to decide which route to take after knowing what’s good for them.

Notice how in the hypothetical email, I’m asking questions because I’m not sure if I’m wasting my time by completing their survey. In our real email exchange, I assumed that they don’t know how to do this email marketing thing. And I just went all-in with suggestions. By telling people what to do, you make it all about yourself. You feel in control. So, maybe the person on the other side felt cornered by my email and started having negative emotions about their email strategy.

BOTTOM LINE

Now, when I want to say something to someone, I make it more lighthearted. Try avoiding putting too much pressure on the person by telling them the best way to approach a problem YOU think exists. Sometimes, even suggesting something or asking a simple question can cause a person to feel resistance towards a situation.